Audio: What New Orleanians should REALLY vote for

Unless you’ve been living under a rock lately, you’re probably aware that it’s once again election season in America. And if you do happen to live under a rock, I’m kind of envious, because, again, it’s election season in America. Choosing new leaders for our great nation tends to bring out the crazy in just about everyone every four years.

Now, I’m not technically running for any elected positions this November, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have something to say about how our country — and, more specifically, our city — should change things up for the better. Hence, after much thoughtful deliberation, most of which occurred in the shower and mumbling in my sleep to my wife, I’ve come up with some very serious and sober policy recommendations that we, as New Orleanians, should all rally behind this election season, changes that will indubitably make our city and our lives better, and bring us together as friends, neighbors, classmates, colleagues, and Mardi Gras ladder pals.

Here, then, is what you should really be voting for this November, fellow New Orleanians:

First, I wholeheartedly recommend that we vote Kermit Ruffins to be the new mayor of the Crescent City. This is not an original idea of mine; I saw it on a T-shirt, and immediately agreed with the sentiment. Who could possibly know the city better than Kermit? Yes, he blows a mean horn, cooks excellent barbecue, and always dresses with his signature panache. But as a native son and ambassador of the city, I think he’s the most logical choice to lead the Big Easy through its tricentennial and beyond. And, naturally, no official could do the job without his cabinet, which, in this case, I recommend include Irma Thomas, John Boutte, Clarence “Frogman” Henry,” the entire Neville family, and our new Louisiana Surgeon General, Dr. John.

I next propose that we make a hard policy stance ensuring that Hansen’s Sno-Bliz is open YEAR ROUND. I don’t know about you, but it’s still hot in New Orleans in October, and I’m sick and tired of having to wait nearly half the year for a nectar cream sno-ball with condensed milk at the hands of Ashley Hansen and her famous family business on Tchoupitoulas St. I know I’m not the only one in the city who has frozen a spearmint or satsuma sno-bliz in the freezer in late September to enjoy during the winter months when the shop is closed. Let’s make this a thing of the past. We can do it together, New Orleans, if we only believe in ourselves.

Further, I think we should hire Kohl the Penguin, at the Audubon Aquarium, to manage all official social media accounts for the City of New Orleans. Sure, you don’t think penguins when you think of New Orleans, but this guy OWNS Twitter. Seriously, you should follow him. We all should.

Speaking of local celebrities, I propose that we replace the entire city council with the Saints Superfans. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a city council meeting, but despite their importance to the lives of New Orleans residents, they’re a total snooze-fest. I say throw Whistle Monsta, Da Pope, Who Dat King, the Mad Datter and all the rest of our gloriously unhinged fanatics into the mix to shake things up, 504-style. What could possibly go wrong?

I’m just getting started. How about we make a serious and binding policy decision to bring back Hubig’s Pies? This fried hand-pie dearth in the Crescent City can not stand! Also, it should be voted into law that stepping on someone’s hand while picking up a Mardi Gras throw should be illegal and punishable by incarceration. And finally, if I had my druthers, I would immediately declare that all king cakes MUST, by law, have babies inside of them. No more of this “baby on the side because of possible lawsuits” nonsense. If you eat a slice of king cake, you should know the risks.

So, my friends and neighbors, I urge you to get out and vote this November, and not to forget the important things. Like sno-balls. And penguins and king cake babies, and Kermit Ruffins, and deranged Saints fans dressed to the nines. Because this isn’t just America that’s at stake here.

It’s New Orleans. Ya heard?

For WWNO and NolaVie, I’m Scott Gold, and I approve this message.