Crescent City (Mis)Connection: The crazy bird always gets the worm

You’re not like other girls.

This is a something I hear a lot from guys that I like. Until recently, I thought it was the best compliment ever. How flattering, I’d think; I’m so unique that I can’t be compared to any other girl – not even an ex. In my mind, I exuded superhuman powers and I had the Giselle Bundchen of all personalities. However, I then realized that these same boys – the ones who I thought were so impressed by my out of this world personality – never asked me to be their girlfriend. In fact, they asked other girls to be their girlfriends.

After this painful revelation, it was clear to me what they were really trying to tell me – that I’m NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS.

For a very long period of my life, I was convinced that my lack of emotion and my rock hard self control was my strength. I would pride myself on my ability to not cause a scene in public or send a late night crazy text (most of the time). I had this amazing ability to write a boy off, saving myself from going down in relationship history as “that crazy girl.” And then I realized that the crazy girls always had an advantage over me – boyfriends.

I wondered if it was time to step up my game, become more like all the other girls, and let my crazy show a little more. Or perhaps a lot more.

Below I’ve compiled a list of crazy girl traits to work on:

1. Must leave multiple voicemails that last more than a minute…preferably several minutes.

Here’s my problem: I hate talking on the phone, so the thought of leaving a voicemail alone is a panic attack waiting to happen. I wondered how long it would take me to get over enough of my phone phobia to leave a few, 5-minute long voicemails, and realized that I don’t have that kind of time before I start collecting cats. I may have to just settle for a long text (sent while sober and in the middle of the day if I’m feeling dangerous).

2. Must love Oprah.

In fact, it doesn’t have to stop at Oprah. Any daytime talk show will do – it gets the emotions and paranoia flowing. I’ll start by adding Maury, Dr. Phil, and Oprah to my DVR and watch them all at once when I’m really bored. Actually, I may not even watch them at all, but I hope that maybe they can work their magic through osmosis if they’re just sitting there, fermenting on my recorded DVR list.

3. Must be manipulative.

I’ll fake a pregnancy….

but it’s going to be a challenge for obvious reasons.

4. Must be delusional.

To accomplish this, I’m going to watch a few romantic comedies and convince myself that it will all eventually happen to me. (Side note: I’ll need to borrow You’ve Got Mail, High Fidelity, and a Matthew Mcconaughey flick from someone for this phase.) Who knows, maybe one day Matt M. will show up below my balcony with a massive ’80s style boom box over his head while professing that he’s the one who’s been sending me love letters via AOL e-mail. Then, we’ll ride away together into the sunset on his lawnmower.

(Until then, I’ll torture every boyfriend I have for being such a disappointment.)

5. Must be high maintenance.

This will involve wearing full prom makeup to the gym and an unnecessary amount of hair products that come in metal cans. (But this also means that I have to go back to the gym…)

When it comes down to it, I must admit that I don’t think I have what it takes to act like a crazy girl. I may not fight over a boy with another girl, throw a drink in someone’s face, or send maniacal text messages (again, most of the time). Then again, I’m not like other girls.

The crazy bird may always get the worm, but I’ve realized that I’m not interested in a worm anyway. I’m interested in a prince, and I’ll continue to kiss frogs (and use multiple euphemisms apparently) until I find him.