How’s Bayou? Your vetty best behavior

Apparently I’m not the only host who occasionally is tempted to review guests online.

To any visitors wishing to avoid being reviewed, we are offering membership in the newly-formed Vetted Guest Registry, a clever idea suggested to us by our friend, travel writer Katherine Calos of Richmond, Virginia.

Enrolling is easy and should only take a few minutes. Welcome to the online application form, and may the Lord have mercy on your soul.

Mural study, Karl.marxhausen.net

Vetted Guest Registry

Official Application Form

Honored Guest(s):

Now that we’ve had a chance to size each other up, and there have been no unpleasant incidents during your stay (as far as we know), we want to offer you membership in this exclusive club as you bid farewell. Please be assured that your application will be reviewed impartially, and that the results will be available online within 48 hours of submission.

1. Have you ever posted a scathing review of an innkeeper?

No___
Yes ___

(If yes, please proceed to the bottom of the application, sign and date. Then leave. Immediately.)

2. Did you arrive here unhappy, and stay unhappy? (You must fit both descriptions.)

No___
Yes___

3. Did your mother ever counsel you that two wrongs don’t make a right or suggest that you treat others as you would like them to treat you?

No___
Yes___

4. Have you ever been scalded or frozen by changing shower temperatures? If, so, did you sue?

No___
Yes___

5. Have you ever “licked your platter clean”?

No___
Yes___

6. Do you know who Judith Martin is?

No___
Yes___

7. Can you calculate the square root of 1846 to four decimal points without a calculator, and, in addition, operate a chain saw, hedge trimmer and pressure washer?

No___ (We thought not!)
Yes___ (Immediate approval)

8. Have you ever “thrown someone under the bus?”

No___
Yes___

9. On a scale of 1 to 6, where 1 is “Crazed Satanic Nightmare” and 6 is “Gracious & Humble Humanitarian,” please rate yourself and/or family members.

Your rank___

10. If asked your plans for retirement, have you ever replied, “Run a B&B so I’ll have plenty of time to go fishing?”

No___
Yes___

(If yes, please follow instructions in question 1.)

Congratulations! You’ve successfully completed the Vetted Guest application form. We shall respond with approval (6 negative responses and 1 positive are required, plus a rating of at least 4) or denial, as soon as we deal with a man who can eat no fat. (His wife can eat no lean.)

(Please note: Mr. and Mrs. Jack Sprat have been banned from Madewood for life.)

Sincerely,

Mgmnt.

Editor’s note: To find out what drove the author to these extremes, read last week’s column here.