Instajournal: No trespassing

“For Rent” signs that advertise an apartment’s ghost-free status, paragraph-long store hours that might as well read “If we’re here, we’re here,” “Buy one drink for the price of two and get the second free” bar offers. Like its residents, New Orleans’ signage tends to be eccentric, weird, and, at times, downright nonsensical. And the postings for all things involving trespassing are, accordingly, no exception to the quirky trend.

Our city’s version of “Keep Out” signs are not only entreatingly specific, but also indicative of the respective property owner’s subliminal messages to passersby. Why merely call for “No Trespassing” when you can specify that you also don’t want “haters” on your property, right?

Since “No Trespassing,” “Private property,” and “Keep Out” are pretty vague…

Subtext: I love the Saints; you should, too. Get out of my driveway.

Subtext: I’m a dog person and an ardent supporter of indoor plumbing.

Subtext: Suzy Q up there once thought “keep out” was a suggestion, too.

Subtext: I’m too lazy to call a towing company.

Subtext: I’m watching from a window above. And if you don’t think I have a towing company on speed-dial, test me. (*Note: Above resident had a major falling out with the “I’m keeping you chained in” party over deeply-rooted philosophical incompatibilities.)

Subtext: I need a friend to play Dungeons and Dragons with.

Subtext: No new friends.

Subtext: No stopping any time. On-duty, ticketing officers at lunch.

Subtext: 20-something girls with melodramatic relationship problems … please find another restroom to cry in.

Chelsea Lee is associate editor at NolaVie. Email comments to her at chelsea@nolavie.com.