Resolutions for the rest of you

New year. Fresh start. Therein are resolutions born.

But, oh, how boring to hear other people’s resolutions. You know: get fit, spend less money, work harder, eat less. It’s exhausting.

It’s so much more fun to give people resolutions. We, who, let’s face it, are never boring, have better perspectives on just who should go on a diet, stop the endless Facebook postings, or take a brutal and critical de-accessioning of the clothes closet (please, no more navy Polos on dress-down Friday).

With that in mind, meticulous research (using my in-box and Google) has revealed all the things that you should be doing in 2015. The following guideposts are designed to help you stay au courant, remain interesting to your circle, become a better person (well, maybe not), and lead you from self-absorption to self-enlightenment. Herewith, my gift to you for the New Year.

RESOLUTIONS FOR EVERYONE BUT ME

You will not post cat videos to Facebook. It’s not just the crazy cat ladies any more. When the New Orleans festival roster grows to include a Cat Video gathering in City Park, it’s time to pull the plug. Henri was cute six years ago, but now? Grand ennui, cher ami.

You will buy something in marsala. My friend and local interior designer Penny Francis passed along the information that this is Pantone’s color of the year. I didn’t know what color marsala is, but a helpful photo reveals all:

According to the maker, marsala enriches mind, body and soul, and helps us to exude confidence and stability. I don’t know about you, but I’m pumped by the idea of all my fellow New Orleanians exuding stability, by wearing marsala instead of eating it.

You will not use the non-word bae in conversation. This Danish word for poop – which is also, it seems, used as an endearment for one’s baby or honey – leads Lake Superior State University’s 40th annual list of words that need to be banned from the English language. Or maybe the Danish language; the report wasn’t clear. Frankly, I never heard this uttered in New Orleans, where baby and honey continue to be the preferred terms for everyone (not just your bae) encountered in life.

You will visit Arabi. If Marigny, once upon a time, was the new French Quarter, and then Bywater was the new Marigny … well, it seems that now Arabi will be the next, um, whatever. Art galleries and eateries are discovering this historic blue-collar area just downriver from Jackson Barracks. Who knew?

You will sit still. Sometimes, anyway. According to Twitter, the No. 1 resolution for 2015 (at least being tweeted about) is to work out more. I think that might be in light of some kind of scientific evidence that says sitting is harmful (but who believes all those studies?). I submit that the increasing hyperactivity of the American population makes less movement, not more, beneficial to the masses. Even aerobic spinning has morphed into a dizzying-loud-music-pulsing lights-beat-based-choreographed-FULL BODY WORKOUT RIDE. It exhausts me to just type that. I say try yoga nidra – the yoga of sleep – instead.

You will use technology to avoid work. Apps are so utilitarian and targeted these days – witness the labor app I used to time and chart my daughter’s neonatal contractions this fall. You can clean out your closet with Poshmark, count calories with Lose It, keep all of your resolutions with coach.me. So serious. I’d like to see New Orleanians use apps that entertain more (isn’t that why we love it here?). Two prime candidates recently featured here: Pocket Fiyo (fun facts about nearby music landmarks) and Specialus (daily specials, yum). In New Orleans, even utilitarian apps get quirky, as with Beau Babst’s alarm app Uhp that literally makes you get out of bed to turn it off.

You will eat collard greens. It’s the new kale, according to American Express (and what are they doing assessing “it” veggies?). Here’s a rare instance in which the rest of the country is catching up to us.