Crescent City (Mis)Connection: $34.99 Can’t Buy Me Love (But It Can Buy Me A Freak)

After having no success on the online dating route, I have given up on Match.com. I actually gave up on it months ago, but just recently began to think about it again when I realized that I was having real life run-ins with some of the guys I had recognized from my emails.

I received a ton of emails from guys, but nothing ever came of it. They were either too old, weird, or offensive. Although I never made the effort to actually have a meet and greet with any of my online suitors, I did respond to enough emails to shun me away from the world of online dating forever (even if it was all just for experimental purposes.)

Allow me to elaborate…

Bachelor #1 was a recent transplant to New Orleans. He claimed he was a model and, although I was positive it was a huge lie, I decided to entertain his fabrication long enough to reply to 2 emails. After he sent a rather uncomfortable email, I remembered that I was not in the market for that sort of indecency. I ended all communication immediately. His reaction to my silence was to send about five more emails pleading for any kind of response from me. It made me feel so uneasy that I started to wonder if he could somehow see me every time I opened one of his messages. Needless to say, I still have no idea what the last 3 emails said.

Bachelor #2 was a Tulane Medical student/self-proclaimed former thrill seeker, who traded in professional fighting and life annihilating for the world of life saving. I instantly assumed that this was a legitimate enough reason to be on Match.com, and not because he could potentially be a crazy person. I eventually stopped responding to him when he insinuated that he wanted to conduct a mental status exam on me to determine whether or not I had any lesions in my brain. His enthusiasm at the prospect of “fixing it” was an even bigger deal breaker. I never really considered brain surgery as a first date option, but I suppose I am just an old-fashioned dinner and a movie kind of girl.

Bachelor #3 was a graduate student at Tulane and fairly new to New Orleans. He contacted me after I decided to take my picture down, so I was flattered by the fact that he found me intriguing based on the content on my profile alone. We emailed a few times and eventually became Facebook friends, but stopped communicating shortly after. I still have yet to figure out what it was about my Facebook page that turned him away, but it is probably best that it remain a mystery.

A few months later at a party that I was having at my apartment, I met someone who looked incredibly familiar through mutual friends. I later found him on my friend’s Facebook page and discovered that, not only was I already friends with him, but he was actually my Bachelor #3 from Match.com. Still feeling slightly embarrassed, I have yet to confess to my friends this parallel between my real life and Lola’s online dating life. In fact, I probably never will.

After those experiences, I decided that match.com was not for me. I felt that 2 months of it (even though I was an active participant for only one) was long enough to determine that it may not be a viable dating forum for everyone. Besides, I am much more charming in person, and would rather not meet a guy who wants to turn me into his personal Frankenstein.

Real life dating is already confusing, and I have enough obstacles that only further complicate it. With a dog who threatens to eat any boy I have over and a blog that is slowly diminishing my bachelorette eligibility, the last thing I need is a situation where I’m competing for a boy with my online alter ego.

Pookie Lola writes Crescent City (Mis)Connections weekly for NolaVie.